"Venice is incredible. Although you may have seen it in pictures, you can't grasp how beautiful it is until you visit." ― Gino D'Acampo

* Let's see Venice! https://www.earthtrekkers.com/20-ph...

* Historical images: https://rarehistoricalphotos.com/ve...

The Italian Game: 1.e4 e5 2.Nf3 Nf6 3.Bc4
3...Bc5 is the Giuoco Piano. 3...Nf6 is the Two Knights Defense. Gioachino Greco (c. 1600 – c. 1634)

* Starter Guide w/PGN: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aM...

* Kevins shows us: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWH...

* Don't fall for the Blackburne Shilling Gambit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXh...

* Multiple Traps;-) https://www.youtube.com/shorts/irpC...

* Multiple Mates: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVq...

* Italian Game Overview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0g0... Use the Timestamps to go directly to specific lines.

* Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXI...

* Solomon covers 3 variations: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRE...

* Giuoco Piano Game: Center Attack Traps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcR...

* An easy Two Knights Defense against the Fried Liver Attack: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Nnp0...

* Surprise! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQB...

* Take the EG seriously - Black gets rapid development: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syv...

* Destroy Black's Elephant Gambit 1e4 e5 2Nf3 d5?!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0F...

* Nakamura gambits w/both colors: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLl...

* PLENTY of Italian Options! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3w9...

* Narrow your approach? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPA...

* Mistakes? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZ6...

* Unsound gambit for speed games: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9j...

* 3.Bc4 Bc5 4.0-0: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5W...

* 3.Bc4 Nf6 4.d4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHb...

* More Max Lange Attack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMc...

* Sharp Double Gambit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Kf...

* The Scotch Gambit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYP...

* Kevin explains Black's 4 main replies to the Scotch Gambit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgj...

* Alternate moves in the Scotch Gambit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeo...

* Quickstarter Guide to the Scotch Gambit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00h...

* Scotch Gambit Traps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zgx...

* Molton's Scotch Gambit Repertoire: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aT...

* Playlists - Win w/1.e4: https://www.youtube.com/@alexastane...

* AlphaZero likes the Italian Game, Evans Gambit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sbe...

* Mistakes in the Evans Gambit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4y...

* Computers battle in the Evans Gambit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEy...

* Magnus plays the Evans Gambit in blitz: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0N...

* Bobby Fischer Amazes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYu...

* Bullet chess in the Evans Gambit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gsr... * Molton's repertoire in the Evan's Gambit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ynb...

* Don't forget the Philidor Defense: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Wz...

* Beat the Philidor Defense: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS2...

* Philidor Defense Traps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAS...

* Petrov's Defense Traps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Zi...

* Watch out for the Stafford Gambit in Petrov's Defense: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReF...

* 30 Days, or 30 Years? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-n... Saying is one thing, actually doing is another.

* The London System is slower, simpler to learn (not better) than 1.e4 e5: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvZ...

* Be aware of 2...h5?!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnL...

* The London System Greek Gift Sacrifice Bxh7+: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jwc...

* Black plays an early ...Qb6: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bgn...

* The London System against a ...Nf6 Indian Defense: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3K...

1 Corinthians 16:13-14
13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. 14 Do everything in love.

<Knock-Knock
Knock Knock

Who's there?

Gino!

Gino who?

Gino me, now open the door!>

Parking Violations: 1e4d5 2exdQxd 3Nc3Qd8 4d4Nc6 5.Nf3Bg4 5d5Ne5 6NxNBxQ 7Bb5+c6 8dxc6Qc7 9cxb7+Ke8 10Nxf7# 1-0

2Ns 4d4exd 5NxdNxe 6Bxf7+KxB 7Qh5+g6 8Qd5+Kg7 9.NxNNf6 10Bg6+KxB 11Qd2+Kg7 12NxQ 1-0

1e4e5 2Nf3Nc6 3d4exd 4Ng5?h6? 5Nxf7KxN 6Bc4+Ke8 7Qh5+Ke7 8Qf7+Kd6 9Bf4+Ne5 10Qd5Ke7 11QxNe5# 1-0

4Ns 4d4exd 5Ne5NxN 6exNd5Nb4 7Bc5Qe7 8.Kd2g6 9Re1Bh6+ 10Re3BxR+ 11fxBe3 Qxe3# 0-1

I used to wonder what it would be like to read other people's minds. Then I got a Facebook account, and now I'm over it.

<L'Infinito (The Infinite )

by Giacomo Leopardi (Translated by Henry Reed )

Sempre caro mi fu quest'ermo colle,

E questa siepe, che da tanta parte

Dell'ultimo orizzonte il guardo esclude.

Ma sedendo e rimirando, interminati

Spazi di là da quella, e sovrumani

Silenzi, e profondissima quieteIo nel pensier mi fingo, ove per poco

Il cor non si spaura. E come il vento

Odo stormir tra queste piante, io quello

Infinito silenzio a questa voce

Vo comparando: e mi sovvien l'eterno,

E le morte stagioni, e la presente

E viva, e il suon di lei. Così tra questa

Immensità s'annega il pensier mio:

E il naufragar m'è dolce in questo mare.

Always to me beloved was this lonely hillside

And the hedgerow creeping over and always hiding

The distances, the horizon's furthest reaches.

But as I sit and gaze, there is an endless

Space still beyond, there is a more than mortal

Silence spread out to the last depth of peace,

Which in my thought I shape until my heart

Scarcely can hide a fear. And as the wind

Comes through the copses sighing to my ears,

The infinite silence and the passing voice

I must compare: remembering the seasons,

Quiet in dead eternity, and the present,

Living and sounding still. And into this

Immensity my thought sinks ever drowning,

And it is sweet to shipwreck in such a sea.>

"If you are not big enough to lose, you are not big enough to win." ― Walter Reuther

"Every Pawn is a potential Queen." ― James Mason

"I'm the king of napping. I can nap and I snore. Then I wake up, go to the toilet, wash my face, have a coffee and it's like a brand new day." ― Gino D'Acampo

"What gives chess its great fascination is that the K, Q, R, B, N, and P move in different ways. In consequence we get a colorful diversity of possibilities unequaled in any other board game." ― Fred Reinfeld

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." ― Napoleon Bonaparte

Gerald Abrahams' dictum: "Good positions don't win games; good moves do".

"It is quite an advantage to have the initiative, and once you have it you must keep it. If your opponent has it, and relinquishes it through some accident or other, you must take it." ― Jose R. Capablanca

"There is no remorse like the remorse of chess." ― H. G. Wells.

"The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people." ― Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of the United States, and former U.S. Army Colonel

"I won't be lectured on gun control by an administration that armed the Taliban." ― voter

"My mum and dad weren't wealthy people. We used to have pasta every day, meat once a week, fish was once every two weeks, presents only at Christmas and birthday." ― Gino D'Acampo

You don't have to be a polymath like Beth Harmon in The Queen's Gambit to improve your game

by Stephen Moss

The first thing to say about chess is that we are not all natural geniuses like Beth Harmon, the star of The Queen's Gambit, who is taught the game by grumpy but lovable janitor Mr Shaibel at the age of nine and is very soon beating him.

The daughter of a maths PhD, she sees the patterns and movement in chess immediately, can visualise effortlessly – being able to memorise moves and play without a board is the sign of chess mastery – and sees whole games on the ceiling of her orphanage dormitory. She is a prodigy, just like world champion Bobby Fischer, on whom Walter Tevis based the novel from which the TV series is drawn. We are mere mortals. So how do we get good?

First, by loving chess. "You can only get good at chess if you love the game," Fischer said. You need to be endlessly fascinated by it and see its infinite potential. Be willing to embrace the complexity; enjoy the adventure. Every game should be an education and teach us something. Losing doesn't matter. Garry Kasparov, another former world champion, likes to say you learn far more from your defeats than your victories. Eventually you will start winning, but there will be a lot of losses on the way. Play people who are better than you, and be prepared to lose. Then you will learn. If you are a beginner, don't feel the need to set out all the pieces at once. Start with the pawns, and then add the pieces. Understand the potential of each piece – the way a pair of bishops can dominate the board, how the rooks can sweep up pawns in an endgame, why the queen and a knight can work together so harmoniously. Find a good teacher – your own Mr Shaibel, but without the communication issues. Once you have established the basics, start using computers and online resources to play and to help you analyse games. lichess.org, chess.com and chess24.com are great sites for playing and learning. chessbomb.com is a brilliant resource for watching top tournaments. chessgames.com is a wonderful database of games. chesspuzzle.net is a great practice program. decodechess.com attempts to explain chess moves in layperson's language. There are also plenty of sophisticated, all-purpose programs, usually called chess engines, such as Fritz and HIARCs that, for around £50, help you deconstruct your games and take you deeply into positions. But don't let the computer do all the work. You need to engage your own brain on the analysis. And don't endlessly play against the computer. Find human opponents, either online or, when the pandemic is over, in person. Bobby Fischer was stripped of his world title in 1975 after he refused to defend the title due to a row over the format. Photograph: RFS/AP Study the games of great masters of the past. Find a player you like and follow their careers. Fischer is a great starting point – his play is clear and comprehensible, and beautifully described in his famous book My 60 Memorable Games. Morphy (Harmon's favourite), Alekhine, Capablanca, Tal, Korchnoi and Shirov are other legendary figures with whom the aspiring player might identify. They also have fascinating life stories, and chess is about hot human emotions as well as cold calculation. Modern grandmaster chess, which is based heavily on a deep knowledge of opening theory, is more abstruse and may be best avoided until you have acquired deep expertise. The current crop of leading grandmasters are also, if we are brutally honest, a bit lacking in personality compared with the giants of the past. Children will often find their school has a chess club, and that club may even have links with Chess in Schools and Communities, which supplies expert tutors to schools. Provision tends to be much better at primary than secondary level, and after 11 children will probably be left to their own devices if they want to carry on playing. If a player is really serious, she or he should join their local chess club. There is likely to be one meeting nearby, or there will be once the Covid crisis is over. At the moment, clubs are not meeting and there is very little over-the-board chess being played. Players are keeping their brains active online, where you can meet players from all over the world. That is fun, but be aware that some players are likely to be cheating – using chess engines to help them, making it hard for you to assess how good your play is. And you also get some abuse online from players who want to trash-talk. You are also likely to be playing at very fast time controls – so-called blitz chess – and that is no way to learn to really think about chess. If you want to start playing over-the-board tournaments (when they resume), you will need to join the chess federation in your respective country. After you've played the requisite number of official games, you will get a rating – a bit like a handicap in golf – and can then start being paired with players of your own strength in matches. But until then, the key is to keep enjoying chess and searching for the elusive "truth" in a position. If you see a good move, look for a better one. You can always dig a little deeper in the pursuit of something remarkable and counterintuitive. Beauty and truth: the essence of chess. Stephen Moss is the author of The Rookie: An Odyssey through Chess (and Life), published by Bloomsbury

Apr-05-23 WannaBe: Can a vegan have a 'beef' with you? Or Vegans only have 'beet' with you? I am confused.

Apr-05-23 Cassandro: Vegan police officers should be exempt from doing steak-outs.

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." — Fanny Fern

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere.

"The problem many people have with Italian food is they over-complicate it. Italian food is extremely simple." — Gino D'Acampo

<Soldati (Soldiers)
written during World War I
by Giuseppe Ungaretti (Translated by Matilda Colarossi)

Si sta come

d'autunno

sugli alberi

le foglie

We are as

in autumn

on branches

the leaves>

This game an Indian Brahmin did invent,
The force of Eastern wisdom to express;
From thence the same to busy Europe sent;
The modern Lombards stil'd it pensive Chess.
— Sir John Denham

"In chess the most unbelievable thing for me is that it's a game for everybody: rich, poor, girl, boy, old, young. It's a fantastic game which can unite people and generations! It's a language which you'll find people "speak" in every country. If you reach a certain level you find a very rich world! Art, sport, logic, psychology, a battlefield, imagination, creativity not only in practical games but don't forget either how amazing a feeling it is to compose a study, for example (unfortunately that's not appreciated these days but it's a fantastic part of chess!)." ― Judit Polgar

"Nowadays tournaments are for nurseries. Look at those kiddies." ― Miguel Najdorf

"Young players calculate everything, a requirement of their relative inexperience." ― Samuel Reshevsky

"When I start to play a game I try to forget about previous games and try to concentrate on this game. This game is now the most important to me. But of course I am not a computer and you cannot simply press a button, delete, and everything you want to forget disappears automatically. But if you want to play well, it's important to concentrate on the now." ― Vassily Ivanchuk

"The pawns are the soul of chess." ― Francois-Andre Danican Philidor

"A pawn, when separated from his fellows, will seldom or never make a fortune." ― Francois-Andre Danican Philidor

"It so often happens that, after sacrificing a pawn, a player aims not to obtain the initiative for it, but to regain sacrificed material." ― Efim Geller

"Remember us,
Should any free soul come across this place,
In all the countless centuries yet to be,
May our voices whisper to you from the ageless stones, Go tell the Spartans, passerby:
That here by Spartan law, we lie."
― Frank Miller, 300

"Italy is a hot country. Wherever you feel heat, your excitement and passion come out. We're hot-blooded, and where there's passion there's love, but also anger, hunger, excitement." ― Gino D'Acampo

<Alla Sera (To Evening )

by Ugo Foscolo (Translated by Nick Benson)

Forse perché della fatal quiete

tu sei l'immago, a me si cara vieni,

o Sera! E quando ti corteggian liete

le nubi estive e i zeffiri sereni,

Perhaps because you are the image of that fatal quiet

so dear to me, you have come,

O Evening! And when happy summer clouds

and the gentle west wind are your escort,

e quando dal nevoso aere inquiete

tenebre e lunghe all'universo meni,

sempre scendi invocata, e le secrete

vie del mio cor soavemente tieni.

and when from snowy restless heights

you send shadows and darkness into the world,

you descend summoned always, and gently hold

the secret ways of my heart.

Vagar mi fai co' miei pensier su l'orme

che vanno al nulla eterno; e intanto fugge

questo reo tempo, e van con lui le torme

You make my thoughts wander forms

that vanish into eternal nothing; meanwhile

this cursed time flees, and with it, the throng

delle cure onde meco egli si strugge;

e mentre guardo la tua pace, dorme

quello spirto guerrier ch'entro mi rugge.

of cares with which it me destroys;

and while I gaze on your peace, that warlike spirit

sleeps, that yet within me roars.>

"The weak are always anxious for justice and equality. The strong pay no heed to either." — Aristotle

"A species that enslaves other beings is hardly superior — mentally or otherwise." — Captain Kirk

"I thought, 'This is not going to drag me down, this is going to make me a better man.' So I came out of prison a man with a plan, determined to set up a business importing Italian ingredients." — Gino D'Acampo

"Now, I don't pretend to tell you how to find happiness and love, when every day is a struggle to survive. But I do insist that you do survive, because the days and the years ahead are worth living for!" — Edith Keeler

"Live long and prosper!" — Spock

"The most important thing in life is to stop saying 'I wish' and start saying 'I will.' Consider nothing impossible, then treat possibilities as probabilities." — Charles Dickens

38 z2bcr: move 27. zootter Frat z dumbo drops Qa2? trollie pokd hiz cputer

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?

"Don't cry over spilled milk" is an idiom that means there's no point in being upset over something that has already happened and cannot be changed.

A: A towel.

<Rimani (Stay)

by Gabriele D'Annunzio

Rimani! Riposati accanto a me.

Non te ne andare.

Io ti veglierò. Io ti proteggerò.

Ti pentirai di tutto fuorchè d'essere venuto a me, liberamente, fieramente.

Ti amo. Non ho nessun pensiero che non sia tuo;

non ho nel sangue nessun desiderio che non sia per te.

Lo sai. Non vedo nella mia vita altro compagno, non vedo altra gioia.

Rimani.

Riposati. Non temere di nulla.

Dormi stanotte sul mio cuore…

Stay! Rest beside me.

Do not go.

I will watch you. I will protect you.

You'll regret anything but coming to me, freely, proudly.

I love you. I do not have any thought that is not yours;

I have no desire in the blood that is not for you.

You know. I do not see in my life another companion, I see no other joy

Stay.

Rest. Do not be afraid of anything.

Sleep tonight on my heart…>

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.

REMOVE BELOW:

"Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?" ― Martin Luther King, Jr.

"When life is too easy for us, we must beware or we may not be ready to meet the blows which sooner or later come to everyone, rich or poor." ― Eleanor Roosevelt

"There is no passion to be found playing small--in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." ― Nelson Mandela

"Whatever you are doing in the game of life, give it all you've got." — Norman Vincent Peale

"What you do today can improve all your tomorrows." — Ralph Marston

"In contrast to Fischer with his propensity for clarity, and to Karpov who grew up on Capablanca's games, from my early years I was enormously influenced by Alekhine's play and won over by his unprecedented feat in the 1927 match. I admired the refinement of his ideas, and I tried as far as possible to imitate his furious attacking style, with its sudden and thunderous sacrifices." ― Garry Kasparov

"Alekhine definitely was a workaholic. He had a strategic talent and was the first player who had a conscious feel for dynamics." ― Vladimir Kramnik

"Fortune favors the bold, especially when they are Alekhine." ― Lodewijk Prins

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." — Fanny Fern

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere.

"If you wait for luck to turn up, life becomes very boring." ― Mikhail Tal

"No man has ever listened himself out of a job." ― Calvin Coolidge, 30th President of the United States

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.

"One man cannot summon the future. But one man can change the present!" — Spock

"To all mankind — may we never find space so vast, planets so cold, heart and mind so empty that we cannot fill them with love and warmth." — Garth

"He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight." ― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

"The game of chess is not just an idle amusement. Several very valuable qualities of the mind, useful in the course of human life, are to be acquired or strengthened by it… Life is a kind of Chess, in which we have often pointed to gain, and competitors or adversaries to contend with." ― Benjamin Franklin

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." ― Napoleon Bonaparte

"It is important that you don't let your opponent impose his style of play on you. A part of that begins mentally. At the chessboard if you start blinking every time he challenges you then in a certain sense you are withdrawing. That is very important to avoid." ― Viswanathan Anand

"A knowledge of tactics is the foundation of positional play. This is a rule which has stood its test in chess history and one which we cannot impress forcibly enough upon the young chess player. A beginner should avoid Queen's Gambit and French Defence and play open games instead! While he may not win as many games at first, he will in the long run be amply compensated by acquiring a thorough knowledge of the game." ― Richard Reti

"Methodical thinking is of more use in chess than inspiration." ― C.J.S. Purdy

"To win against me, you must beat me three times: in the opening, the middlegame and the endgame." ― Alexander Alekhine

"He lived in and for chess like no one before him, nor any since until Fischer." ― Taylor Kingston (on Alekhine)

"I think an important lesson from the game is that once you have made a move, you cannot take it back. You really have to measure your decisions. You think a lot. You evaluate your choices very carefully. There's never any guarantee about what's going to follow once you have made a decision." ― Viswanathan Anand

"Analyze! Analyze! Analyze! That was the doctor's motto, and his deeply ingrained habit of investigating every line was obviously unsuitable in rapid transit." ― Arthur Dake (on Alekhine's relative weakness in rapid play)

"I learned a lot about how the world champion analyzed chess positions. Alekhine taught me to sit on my hands and not to play the first move that came to mind, no matter how good it looked. He examined everything, whipping through an astonishing number of variations." ― Arnold Denker

Gerald Abrahams' dictum: "Good positions don't win games; good moves do".

The Hare and the Tortoise

To win a race, the swiftness of a dart
Avails not without a timely start.
The hare and tortoise are my witnesses.
Said tortoise to the swiftest thing that is,
"I'll bet that you'll not reach, so soon as I
The tree on yonder hill we spy."
"So soon! Why, madam, are you frantic?"
Replied the creature, with an antic;
"Pray take, your senses to restore,
A grain or two of hellebore.'
"Say," said the tortoise, "what you will;
I dare you to the wager still."
It was done; the stakes were paid,
And near the goal tree laid –
Of what, is not a question for this place,
Nor who it was that judged the race.
Our hare had scarce five jumps to make,
Of such as he is wont to take,
When, starting just before their beaks
He leaves the hounds at leisure,
Thence till the kalends of the Greeks,
The sterile heath to measure.
Thus having time to browse and doze,
And list which way the zephyr blows,
He makes himself content to wait,
And let the tortoise go her gait
In solemn, senatorial state.
She starts; she moils on, modestly and lowly,
And with a prudent wisdom hastens slowly;
But he, meanwhile, the victory despises,
Thinks lightly of such prizes,
Believes it for his honour
To take late start and gain on her.
So, feeding, sitting at his ease,
He meditates of what you please,
Till his antagonist he sees
Approach the goal; then starts,
Away like lightning darts:
But vainly does he run;
The race is by the tortoise won.
Cries she, "My senses do I lack?
What boots your boasted swiftness now?
You're beat! and yet, you must allow,
I bore my house on my back."

"Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win." ― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

"Intuition in chess can be defined as the first move that comes to mind when you see a position." ― Viswanathan Anand ]

"God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well." ― Voltaire

When does a joke become a ‘dad' joke?
When it becomes apparent.

"Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?" ― Martin Luther King, Jr.

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit." ― Harry S Truman, 33rd President of the United States, and former Colonel in the U.S. Army

EG Tactics: Game Collection: End game tactics

* First of each ECO: Game Collection: First of Each ECO

* How to Analyze: https://thechessworld.com/articles/...

* Recommendations: https://www.reddit.com/r/chess/wiki...

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

Why should you never trust stairs?
They're always up to something.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderpants

I entered ten puns in our contest to see which would win. No pun in ten did.

How do you measure a snake?
In inches—they don't have feet.

Where does a waitress with only one leg work?
IHOP.

What does a house wear?
Address!

Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush

Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)

You heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What's your favorite kind of music?' The other replies, ‘I'm a big metal fan.'

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?

"Don't cry over spilled milk" is an idiom that means there's no point in being upset over something that has already happened and cannot be changed.

A: A towel.

The first rule of the Alzheimer's club is…
Wait, where are we again?

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Ten tickles

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
Well, honestly, he's a real pain in the neck.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, "Just you wait!"

Why were they called the "dark ages?"
Because there were a lot of knights.

Why aren't koalas considered bears?
They don't have the right koala-fications.

<You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?

Them: Mickey Mouse

You: What duck walks on two feet?

Them: Donald Duck

You: No, all ducks do!>

Want to hear a joke about a roof?
The first one's on the house.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You probably think it's "R" but it be the "C".

Why teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they're always stuffed.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this clean joke.)

I entered ten puns in our contest to see which would win. No pun in ten did.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

Where should you go in the room if you're feeling cold? The corner—they're usually 90 degrees.

I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they're really good at it.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.

"Venice is incredible. Although you may have seen it in pictures, you can't grasp how beautiful it is until you visit." — Gino D'Acampo

<Luke 8:16-18 New King James Version The Parable of the Revealed Light

Jesus said:
16 "No one, when he has lit a lamp, covers it with a vessel or puts it under a bed, but sets it on a lampstand, that those who enter may see the light. 17 For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light. 18 Therefore take heed how you hear. For whoever has, to him more will be given; and whoever does not have, even what he seems to have will be taken from him.">